Payback is a bitch.
Seriously, sometimes I should just leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, I am one of those curious types, kind of like a cat or a kid, and somehow things manage to get in my head, and I actually follow through.
Today I got on this weird trip. I think it all had to do with a Sloan song coming on my playlist, which made me think of my old CDs and bands I used to listen to. I recall that Sloan had a record label called Murderecords that a bunch of bands I enjoyed were on. So I figured I'd look to see if they had a website, which they did, but it hadn't been updated since 2001. Meh. There was an e-mail address, so I sent an e-mail as they had a catalogue page which listed a couple CDs I've been looking for, but unfortunately it got returned. Boo.
So then I got to thinking about other bands I listened to and hung out with quite a bit. The Killjoys were one of them, I was actually good friends with their bass player up until I don't even know what happened and he kind of severed contact with me. I think it might have been due to the fact that he was getting himself in a serious relationship and either he didn't feel comfortable continuing a friendship with me (even though I was married, whatever) or his new girlfriend wasn't overly comfortable with it. Either way, I suppose I don't hold a grudge. I know if it were me I'd been none to keen on the idea, but in a way it still kind of hurts because him and I were quite close. Regardless, I figured I'd look to see what their drummer Gene was up to. I remember my friends and I would always have a good time with him when we hung out. Anyway, it appears that he has a new band called
Junior Achiever where he is now the singer/guitar player. According to their MySpace site they sound like Weezer, Green Day, American Hi-Fi and Teenage Fanclub. A number of bands I quite enjoy as well, and from what little bit I'd heard of their stuff it sounds pretty awesome. So yeah, glad to see that he's doing well.
So the finding of Gene and seeing what he was up to, lead me to go through some of my old e-mails in one of my old hotmail accounts. I was thinking of something my old friend said once and I wasn't sure if it was in a letter, or e-mail or what. Of course I totally forgot what I was doing when I got sidetracked. I found an e-mail from this creeptacular guy I used to know. We were friends, I knew him through an old friend and also because of an ex-boyfriend who was in a band, as Mr Creep-orama was also in a band and wrote a column for
Maximum Rock N Roll or better known to the "cool kids" as MRR. So being a glutton for punishment I opened one of the e-mails and it had a link to his band's site, so of course I clicked on it to see what was going on with them. Weeeeeeell, they're still together and are on a little West Coast tour. In fact they will be coming through Seattle April 8th. I am so tempted to go and kick him in the fuckin nuts, I am not kidding. Reason being, his sorry ass paid for me to visit him in NYC (which I thought was ok being that he knew people I did and that we were friends and I was a student and didn't have a lot of cash and we'd talked about my going to NYC forever), and when I got there came to find out that the whole reason he paid for me to go there was because him and his girlfriend were trying to get me to have a threesome with them. That and the fact he would never leave me the fuck alone, he didn't even want me to walk to the bloody 7-11 down the street from his place by myself. It was sooooo annoying. I was in NYC for christ sake, and barely over 19 years old, I wanted to hang out and have fun and do fun NYC things like visit the stock exchange and stuff. I am glad I had the chance to visit NYC, but the circumstances under which I went pretty much made it suck. I couldn't really enjoy myself with him and his girlfriend hanging all over me the entire time. So yeah, wouldn't it be hilarious for me to go and suckerpunch him or something? Half of me wants to do it. Seriously. He just totally deserves it.
Anyway, that's my fun and excitement for the day. I feel kind of bizarre about the whole thing, but really I'm just kind of laughing about it.
Welcome to my mind.
I wish I was talented. I wish I was artistic. I wish I wasn't afraid of failure to the point where I pretty much don't try anything that I might not be good at. I wish I was good at something without even trying.
I'm jealous of people who have talents and can make a living from them.
I think the Olympics are depressing me.
It's not that the people in the Olympics don't have to train hard or anything for what they do. Oh, I know that they do. However they know what they want in life. They've got talent and they have found a way to exploit it. They've made a living doing what they enjoy and they're good at it.
Then there's me. Every day that passes I get closer to 30 and I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. If I could do anything, what would it be? I can honestly say 'I don't know'. What am I good at? Nothing that a million and a half other people can't do just as good if not better. I want to be unique and have something that makes me stand apart from everyone else. As I get older, that 'something' is getting even harder and harder to find.
I don't overly enjoy my job. For the most part, it doesn't suck, but I don't really think it's me. I go through the motions every Monday through Friday and it sucks up far too much of my life. But I go, because I have to. Not because I want to. I want to do something that I am excited to do. Something that I can't wait to get back at, because I enjoy it so much. I know it's pretty much a pipe dream.
If I could go back and tell my teenage self one thing it would be to figure out what the fuck you want to do with the rest of your life and go for it. I had plenty of opportunity back then, but instead I decided to pretty much waste my time. Yes, spending over $20K at an Art Institute for Multimedia Design sounded like a good idea at the time. And now of course everyone and their mom can do what I wasted too much time and money on in school learning. Hell, by now I think I've forgotten most of what I learned anyway.
I need some fucking direction in my life, or else I'm going to be stuck doing what I don't enjoy for the rest of my life. Except I have no idea where to go, or how to get there.
You know why he called it Napster? Because I was NAPPING when he STOLE it from me
When I was living in Montreal my apartment got broken into while I was visiting Shawn in Denver for a few weeks. Thankfully nothing major (ie my computer) was stolen, but they did get away with my
entire CD collection, an old canon 35mm camera and a bag from my former design school. For some reason the whole situation still bothers me on occasion. Granted I don't think about it everyday, but every once in awhile I am reminded of it and it makes me sad.
Like today, a song by
Thrush Hermit came on my play list and I started thinking how I'd like to listen to that CD again instead of the crappy quality MP3 probably downloaded back in the day from Napster. Which then got me thinking about all the CDs I had that I will never have again. First editions (or pressing? What in the hell do you call the first release of a CD??), CDs that I bought at shows when I was a kid, local bands, albums put out on small indie labels in Canada, some rather hard to find stuff. Lots of memories attached to those CDs. I honestly can't even remember all the CDs that I had.
In the past I thought about trying to rebuild my CD collection, but never got around to doing so. And now, all these years later, and in another country, it would be almost impossible to find a lot of the stuff that I had. Bands that have been forgotten by most I'm sure. Or if I was able to find it, it would probably be twice the price of what I originally paid for it.
Maybe I should give it a try anyway. I mean, it's not like I have anything to lose, and it would be nice to hear some of that old stuff again.
You don't know what you want, it may take you years to find out
Every single time I hear 'Disconnected' by Face To Face it makes me think of being 15 or 16. And blue hair. Not my blue hair, though there probably was a week when I was 15 or 16 that my hair was blue, but that of the singer from Face To Face.
And how's this for random? Out of the 574 songs in my WinAmp playlist which I randomized like 5 times, it decides to play Disconnected (the live version) followed by Disconnected. Indeed.
