Welcome to my mind.
I wish I was talented. I wish I was artistic. I wish I wasn't afraid of failure to the point where I pretty much don't try anything that I might not be good at. I wish I was good at something without even trying.I'm jealous of people who have talents and can make a living from them.
I think the Olympics are depressing me.
It's not that the people in the Olympics don't have to train hard or anything for what they do. Oh, I know that they do. However they know what they want in life. They've got talent and they have found a way to exploit it. They've made a living doing what they enjoy and they're good at it.
Then there's me. Every day that passes I get closer to 30 and I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. If I could do anything, what would it be? I can honestly say 'I don't know'. What am I good at? Nothing that a million and a half other people can't do just as good if not better. I want to be unique and have something that makes me stand apart from everyone else. As I get older, that 'something' is getting even harder and harder to find.
I don't overly enjoy my job. For the most part, it doesn't suck, but I don't really think it's me. I go through the motions every Monday through Friday and it sucks up far too much of my life. But I go, because I have to. Not because I want to. I want to do something that I am excited to do. Something that I can't wait to get back at, because I enjoy it so much. I know it's pretty much a pipe dream.
If I could go back and tell my teenage self one thing it would be to figure out what the fuck you want to do with the rest of your life and go for it. I had plenty of opportunity back then, but instead I decided to pretty much waste my time. Yes, spending over $20K at an Art Institute for Multimedia Design sounded like a good idea at the time. And now of course everyone and their mom can do what I wasted too much time and money on in school learning. Hell, by now I think I've forgotten most of what I learned anyway.
I need some fucking direction in my life, or else I'm going to be stuck doing what I don't enjoy for the rest of my life. Except I have no idea where to go, or how to get there.
3 Comments:
I definitely feel your pain in regard to not knowing what you want to do with your life. I remember when I was seeing a therapist, he said my depression stemmed from a sort of existential crisis; not knowing where I fit in in the world. That's why I kept going to him for a while because he got it. I wish I knew what I wanted to do. I guess all we can do is work on it and hope we figure it out before we're old and grey .. wait, I've already got lots of greys. Damnit. Anyway, you're not alone (and I'm 31 almost 32).
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever figure it out. And it's so much harder when you have a ton of responsibilities. Stupid mortgage and bills and whatnot.
I keep thinking that one day it's just going to come to me, my purpose in life or whatever. So far it hasn't been the case.
*sigh*
Have a baby!
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